Brimstone Lark

It is very important to cultivate a sense of friendship with yourself in that the way you respond to your First Order Reactions. This is something that my friend Nikhil helped me to understand.

One day while I was staying with him, I vocalized some negative self talk to which he replied, “Hey man, you’re really kicking yourself while you’re down. Try to be a friend to yourself instead!”

I was surprised that despite having internalized the need to distance my identify from my First Order Reactions, I took my negative thoughts and feelings as objective reality which continued to reinforce them.

Our reactions to our thoughts and perceptions can dictate how we feel about ourselves. If for some reason (maybe you’re tired, hungover, stressed, dehydrated, stagnated, etc.) you’re having a particularly negative set of first order reactions (ie, rumination, spiraling, etc.,) you’re going to feel bad because your thoughts and feelings reinforce in a negative cycle. One negative thought will be punished by another. “Ugh I don’t want to get out of bed… Why am I such a lazy piece of shit?”

Imagine if your best friend was facing the exact circumstances and struggles that you are currently facing. How would you feel if you saw them beating themselves up for their own thoughts and emotions? If you heard them making self deprecating comments, you’d probably want to reach out to them, tell them to take a load off, to go easy on themselves!

Instead of punishing ourselves for having a First Order Reaction that is negative, we have the chance to provide ourselves some empathy, pity, and kindness. At the end of the day, we are individuals who are subject to our circumstances just like anyone else in the world. When we start to see ourselves in this way, it becomes clear that, like our friends, we too deserve our own patience and support.

It takes energy to interrupt the cycle of negative self talk. All else equal, we’d continue on the path of least resistance and continue treating ourselves like crap. Good friends can provide you with that energy the way Nikhil did for me. Sometimes though, we might need to be a good friend to ourselves and allow us to exhale, take a nap, drink some water, and recharge enough to force some distance into our own negative narratives.